diff --git a/src/db.js b/src/db.mjs
similarity index 85%
rename from src/db.js
rename to src/db.mjs
index c652f12..60364e5 100755
--- a/src/db.js
+++ b/src/db.mjs
@@ -1,6 +1,6 @@
-const Database = require("better-sqlite3")
+import Database from "better-sqlite3"
 
-const DB = Database(process.env.DB || "./db.sqlite3")
+export const DB = Database(process.env.DB || "./db.sqlite3")
 
 const migrations = [
 `
@@ -17,6 +17,12 @@ CREATE TABLE inventory (
     obtained_at INTEGER NOT NULL,
     quantity REAL NOT NULL
 );
+`,
+`
+CREATE TABLE stats (
+    stat TEXT PRIMARY KEY,
+    value BLOB NOT NULL
+);
 `
 ]
 
@@ -39,7 +45,7 @@ DB.pragma("foreign_keys = 1")
 
 const preparedStatements = new Map()
 
-const SQL = (strings, ...params) => {
+export const SQL = (strings, ...params) => {
     const sql = strings.join("?")
     let stmt
     const cachedValue = preparedStatements.get(sql)
@@ -55,6 +61,4 @@ const SQL = (strings, ...params) => {
         all: () => stmt.all.apply(stmt, params),
         statement: stmt
     }
-}
-
-module.exports = { DB, SQL }
\ No newline at end of file
+}
\ No newline at end of file
diff --git a/src/index.js b/src/index.mjs
similarity index 75%
rename from src/index.js
rename to src/index.mjs
index ce4b658..f0e70e0 100644
--- a/src/index.js
+++ b/src/index.mjs
@@ -1,10 +1,11 @@
-const irc = require("irc-upd")
-const childProcess = require("child_process")
-const syllables = require("syllable")
-const R = require("ramda")
-const pluralize = require("pluralize")
+import irc from "irc-upd"
+import * as childProcess from "child_process"
+import syllables from "syllable"
+import * as R from "ramda"
+import pluralize from "pluralize"
+const { HyperLogLog } = await import("hyperlolo")
 
-const { DB, SQL } = require("./db")
+const { DB, SQL } = await import("./db.mjs")
 
 var client = new irc.Client(process.argv[2] || "irc.osmarks.net", "testbot", {
     channels: ["#a", "#botrobots", "#b"],
@@ -62,12 +63,12 @@ const PLURALS = [
     ["Category:English irregular plurals", "Categories:English irregular plurals"],
     ["enigma", "enigmas"],
     ["radix", "radixes"],
-    ["water", "water"],
     ["funny", "funnies"],
     ["octopus", "octopoda"],
     ["the place in the world which is northernmost", "the places in the world which are northernmost"],
     ["datum", "data"],
     ["testbot", "testbots"],
+    ["notion of LLM use", "notions of LLM use"],
     ["oil of vitriol", "oil of vitriol"],
     ["noun phrase", "noun phrases"],
     ["information", "information"],
@@ -76,6 +77,8 @@ const PLURALS = [
     ["potions of cryoapiocity", "potions of cryoapiocity"],
     ["sulfuric acid", "sulfuric acid"],
     ["dollar", "dollars"],
+    ["acid", "acid"],
+    ["water", "water"],
 ]
 const PLURALS_KEEP_SAME = [
     "mice",
@@ -84,7 +87,8 @@ const PLURALS_KEEP_SAME = [
     "dodecahedra",
     "those things which must not be seen",
     "announcements",
-    "rotations"
+    "rotations",
+    "spider-based countermeasures"
 ]
 const SINGULARS_KEEP_SAME = [
     "mouse",
@@ -93,12 +97,13 @@ const SINGULARS_KEEP_SAME = [
     "dodecahedron",
     "that thing which must not be seen",
     "announcement",
-    "rotation"
+    "rotation",
+    "spider-based countermeasure"
 ]
 
 const spliceIn = (xs, ys) => {
     const locations = new Map(ys.map((y, i) => [Math.floor(xs.length * (i / ys.length)), y]))
-    const out = xs.map((x, i) => (locations.get(i) ? [x, locations.get(i)] : [x]))
+    const out = xs.map((x, i) => (locations.get(i) ? [locations.get(i), x] : [x]))
     const realOut = []
     for (const x of out) {
         for (const y of x) {
@@ -144,7 +149,17 @@ client.addListener("message", async (nick, channel, message, ev) => {
         nick = e[1]
         message = e[2]
     }
+    const allStatsRaw = SQL`SELECT * FROM stats`.all().map(x => [x.stat, x.value])
+    const origStats = new Map(allStatsRaw)
+    const allStats = new Map(allStatsRaw)
+    allStats.set("messages", (allStats.get("messages") ?? 0) + 1)
     const res = /^([A-Za-z0-9_-]+)[:, ]*([A-Za-z0-9_-]+) *(.*)$/.exec(message)
+    const uniqueUsersCounter = allStats.get("users") ? HyperLogLog.deserialize(allStats.get("users")) : new HyperLogLog({ hasherId: "jenkins32", precision: 5 }) 
+    uniqueUsersCounter.add(nick)
+    allStats.set("users", uniqueUsersCounter.serialize())
+    const uniqueMessagesCounter = allStats.get("uniqueMessages") ? HyperLogLog.deserialize(allStats.get("uniqueMessages")) : new HyperLogLog({ hasherId: "jenkins32", precision: 5 }) 
+    uniqueMessagesCounter.add(message)
+    allStats.set("uniqueMessages", uniqueMessagesCounter.serialize())
     if (res) {
         let [_, tnick, cmd, args] = res
         tnick = tnick.toLowerCase()
@@ -152,21 +167,23 @@ client.addListener("message", async (nick, channel, message, ev) => {
         cmd = cmd.toLowerCase()
         if (tnick === client.nick) {
             console.log(nick, cmd, channel)
+            allStats.set("commands", (allStats.get("commands") ?? 0) + 1)
             if (cmd === "starch") {
-                client.say(channel, `starch exists (${Math.random() * 20 + 80}% confidence).`)
+                client.say(channel, `Starch exists (${Math.random() * 20 + 80}% confidence).`)
             } else if (cmd === "stats") {
-                client.say(channel, "haha no")
+                client.say(channel, `${allStats.get("commands")} run, ${allStats.get("messages")} messages seen, about ${Math.floor(uniqueUsersCounter.count())} nicks seen, about ${Math.floor(uniqueMessagesCounter.count())} unique messages seen.`)
             } else if (cmd === "help") {
-                client.say(channel, "nobody can help you now")
+                client.say(channel, "Nobody can help you now.")
             } else if (cmd === "fortune") {
                 childProcess.exec("fortune", (err, out) => {
                     if (err) { return console.warn(err) }
                     client.say(channel, out)
                 })
             } else if (cmd === "cat") {
-                client.say(channel, "meow")
+                client.say(channel, "Meow.")
             } else if (cmd === "servers") {
-                scanlinks().then(links => client.say(channel, links.map(x => `${x[1]}: ${/^[0-9]+ (.*)$/.exec(x[3])[1]}`).join("\n")))
+                const links = await scanlinks()
+                client.say(channel, links.map(x => `${x[1]}: ${/^[0-9]+ (.*)$/.exec(x[3])[1]}`).join("\n"))
             } else if (cmd === "take" || cmd === "have") {
                 const things = args.split(/(,| and )/).map(x => x.trim().replace(",", "").replace(/^(an?|the) /, "")).filter(x => x !== "" && x !== "and")
                 for (let thing of things) {
@@ -199,7 +216,7 @@ client.addListener("message", async (nick, channel, message, ev) => {
                 const inv = SQL`SELECT * FROM inventory ORDER BY obtained_at DESC LIMIT 10`.all()
                 client.say(channel, inv.map(renderItem).join("\n"))
             } else if (cmd === "deploy") {
-                client.say(channel, `Deploying ${args}`)
+                client.say(channel, `Deploying ${args}.`)
             }
         }
     }
@@ -208,10 +225,18 @@ client.addListener("message", async (nick, channel, message, ev) => {
     sylhist = R.takeLast(3, R.append(syllables(messageContent), sylhist))
     mhist = R.takeLast(50, R.append(messageContent, mhist))
     if (R.equals(sylhist, [5, 7, 5])) {
-        client.say(channel, "haiku detected!")
+        client.say(channel, "Haiku detected!")
         logEv("haiku", R.takeLast(3, mhist).join("\n"))
     }
     console.log(sylhist)
+
+    DB.transaction(() => {
+        for (const [k, v] of allStats) {
+            if (origStats.get(k) !== v) {
+                SQL`INSERT OR REPLACE INTO stats VALUES (${k}, ${v})`.run()
+            }
+        }
+    })()
 })
 
 client.addListener("raw", ev => {