diff --git a/src/index.js b/src/index.js
index 9c295f1..ce4b658 100644
--- a/src/index.js
+++ b/src/index.js
@@ -50,9 +50,95 @@ const handleOf = (thing, fn) => {
     }
 }
 
-const renderItem = x => x.quantity === 1 ? x.thing : `${x.quantity} ${handleOf(x.thing, pluralize.plural)}`
+const PLURALS = [
+    ["spoonful", "spoonfuls"],
+    ["index", "indices"],
+    ["lackey", "lackeys"],
+    ["abiogenesis", "abiogeneses"],
+    ["sheaf", "sheaves"],
+    ["goose", "geese"],
+    ["$DEITY", "$DEITIES"],
+    ["ox", "oxen"],
+    ["Category:English irregular plurals", "Categories:English irregular plurals"],
+    ["enigma", "enigmas"],
+    ["radix", "radixes"],
+    ["water", "water"],
+    ["funny", "funnies"],
+    ["octopus", "octopoda"],
+    ["the place in the world which is northernmost", "the places in the world which are northernmost"],
+    ["datum", "data"],
+    ["testbot", "testbots"],
+    ["oil of vitriol", "oil of vitriol"],
+    ["noun phrase", "noun phrases"],
+    ["information", "information"],
+    ["This phrase pluralizes as 'yellows'", "These phrases pluralize as 'yellows'"],
+    ["fireman", "firemen"],
+    ["potions of cryoapiocity", "potions of cryoapiocity"],
+    ["sulfuric acid", "sulfuric acid"],
+    ["dollar", "dollars"],
+]
+const PLURALS_KEEP_SAME = [
+    "mice",
+    "computers",
+    "lackeys",
+    "dodecahedra",
+    "those things which must not be seen",
+    "announcements",
+    "rotations"
+]
+const SINGULARS_KEEP_SAME = [
+    "mouse",
+    "computer",
+    "lackey",
+    "dodecahedron",
+    "that thing which must not be seen",
+    "announcement",
+    "rotation"
+]
 
-client.addListener("message", (nick, channel, message, ev) => {
+const spliceIn = (xs, ys) => {
+    const locations = new Map(ys.map((y, i) => [Math.floor(xs.length * (i / ys.length)), y]))
+    const out = xs.map((x, i) => (locations.get(i) ? [x, locations.get(i)] : [x]))
+    const realOut = []
+    for (const x of out) {
+        for (const y of x) {
+            realOut.push(y)
+        }
+    }
+    return realOut
+}
+
+const queryLLM = async prompt => {
+    const res = await fetch("https://gpt.osmarks.net/v1/completions", {
+        body: JSON.stringify({
+            "max_tokens": 40,
+            "stop": ["\n"],
+            prompt
+        }),
+        method: "POST",
+        headers: {"Content-type": "application/json"}
+    })
+    const data = await res.json()
+    return data["choices"][0]["text"]
+}
+
+const deriveLLMMapping = (things, splice, fallback) => async input => {
+    const prompt = spliceIn(things, splice).map(([a, b]) => `${a} :: ${b}`).join("\n") + "\n" + input + " ::"
+    try {
+        const res = await queryLLM(prompt)
+        return res.trim()
+    } catch (e) {
+        console.warn("switched to fallback", e)
+        return fallback(input)
+    }
+}
+
+const pluralizer = deriveLLMMapping(PLURALS, PLURALS_KEEP_SAME.map(x => ([x, x])), pluralize.plural)
+const singularizer = deriveLLMMapping(PLURALS.map(([a, b]) => ([b, a])), SINGULARS_KEEP_SAME.map(x => ([x, x])), pluralize.singular)
+
+const renderItem = async x => x.quantity === 1 ? x.thing : `${x.quantity} ${await pluralizer(x.thing)}`
+
+client.addListener("message", async (nick, channel, message, ev) => {
     const e = /^<([^>]+)> (.*)$/.exec(message)
     if (e) {
         nick = e[1]
@@ -100,13 +186,14 @@ client.addListener("message", (nick, channel, message, ev) => {
                             qty = parseFloat(rqty)
                         }
                     }
-                    thing = handleOf(thing, pluralize.singular)
+                    thing = await singularizer(thing)
                     const currQty = SQL`SELECT * FROM inventory WHERE thing = ${thing}`.get()?.quantity
                     if (currQty) { qty += currQty }
                     qty = qty || 0
                     SQL`INSERT OR REPLACE INTO inventory VALUES (${thing}, ${Date.now()}, ${qty})`.run()
                     console.log("attained", qty, thing)
-                    client.say(channel, `I have ${renderItem({ thing, quantity: qty })}.`)
+                    const hadThing = await renderItem({ thing, quantity: qty })
+                    client.say(channel, `I have ${hadThing}.`)
                 }
             } else if (cmd.startsWith("inv")) {
                 const inv = SQL`SELECT * FROM inventory ORDER BY obtained_at DESC LIMIT 10`.all()
@@ -117,7 +204,7 @@ client.addListener("message", (nick, channel, message, ev) => {
         }
     }
 
-    const messageContent = message.replace(/^(\s*[<\[][A-Za-z0-9_-]+[>\]]\s*)+/, "")
+    const messageContent = message.replace(/^(\s*[<\[][^\]>]+[>\]]\s*)+/, "")
     sylhist = R.takeLast(3, R.append(syllables(messageContent), sylhist))
     mhist = R.takeLast(50, R.append(messageContent, mhist))
     if (R.equals(sylhist, [5, 7, 5])) {