diff --git a/assets/achievements/spam.png b/assets/achievements/spam.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..d2afaf4
Binary files /dev/null and b/assets/achievements/spam.png differ
diff --git a/assets/achievements/spectre_of_communism.png b/assets/achievements/spectre_of_communism.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..89ce4a5
Binary files /dev/null and b/assets/achievements/spectre_of_communism.png differ
diff --git a/assets/achievements/test.png b/assets/achievements/test.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..4a7e83e
Binary files /dev/null and b/assets/achievements/test.png differ
diff --git a/assets/achievements/unicode_abuse.png b/assets/achievements/unicode_abuse.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..4c6a5fd
Binary files /dev/null and b/assets/achievements/unicode_abuse.png differ
diff --git a/src/achievement.py b/src/achievement.py
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..5691120
--- /dev/null
+++ b/src/achievement.py
@@ -0,0 +1,68 @@
+from discord.ext import commands
+import discord
+import logging
+import asyncio
+import discord
+from datetime import datetime
+import re
+import collections
+
+import util
+
+Achievement = collections.namedtuple("Achievement", ["name", "condition", "description"])
+
+achievements = {
+    "spectre_of_communism": Achievement("Containment Efforts Ongoing", "Refer to the 'spectre of communism' in a message.", "A spectre is haunting Europe. The spectre of communism. Containment efforts are ongoing and full containment is projected by 2036."),
+    "test": Achievement("Test", "Test achievement. Obtained for testing.", "Congratulations, you ran the test command!"),
+    "spam": Achievement("beesbeesbeesbeesbeesbeesbeesbeesbees", "Send a long message containing the same thing repeatedly.", "You should probably not do this, nobody* likes spam!"),
+    "unicode_abuse": Achievement("Anomalous Unicode", "Send a high proportion of weird Unicode characters in a message.", "h̵͖̻̮̗̹̆͛͆̎ͮͤͫ͛ͦ̓̅ͤ́͢é͒ͧ̌̀ͪ̈͂̈́̉ͣ̅̿̄̌̋̿̽̚͏̛͏͚̯͉̟͇̼̹͎ͅa̠̹̘͎̫̜̞̩͖̟̟͍͇͈͍̝͕͛ͥ͊̾̈́ͩͯͩͭ̆̋͐͗̉͋̓̀͝v͎͖̜͎͔̞͚͉̺̞̘̥͖̝͚̺̍ͤ̌͂ͨ̃̅ͫ̿͛ͯ̓̉̆̎͊̀̚̕͟s̪̠̟̣̝̹̭̻̈́ͤ͗̏ͮ̂ͯ̈́̊ͩ̓̆̌̆͌̽̓̈́̚͢͞e̛̞̙̜̗̰͕͕͎̺͍̭̲̟̭̲̫̬͓ͯ̅̓̆̂̔̃͟r̷̛̮̮͇̳̳̾ͯͮͩ̏͂ͤ̿̽ͧ͒͋́̕ͅͅv̴̠͉̼̮̭̘ͪͯͦ͌́ͯ̒̃̀́̃͜͝ͅe̵̷̢͕̣̻̥̲͓̼͍̱͕̮̯̱̤̹̱̝̎̓̈́̿ͤ̔̍ͭͭ͐ͅŗ̔ͮͯ͂́͏̻͈̱ͅ ̣͇̼͊̄ͫ̆̍̄̀̀̓͊͐͋̌͘͠į̱͔̰̭̫̱̫̊ͪ̅ͥ̈́ͥ̐͌̅ͪ̅ͨ̎̀͘͝s̍͑̌̋̅͌͂ͨͬͯ̇͊҉̛̱̺͕̰͓̗̖̬͡͡ ̥̤̺̖̪̪́ͯͣ̏̅̈ͣ̿̀͠͠͞i̢̛̭̰̻͈̦̣̮̞̤̩̊̌̾͛ͭͦ̆ͮ̃̎ͪ̔ͬ͊̆͂ͫͅn̸̖͚̣̪̩̏ͥ̈́̅ͯ̔͆́ͦ͗͛͒̃̃ͫ͟͜͝͠ȩ̸͎̟̣̞͉̫̗̙̻̯͍̰̣̌ͪͨ͛̆̕͡v̙͙̲͕͔̦̣̺͔̖͉̜̲̩̈̿ͥ̎͊̈́̊ͯͯ͒ͭ̊̀͢i̪͈̣̱̞̥̰̟̣̩̼̻̪̳̤͇̻̹͉͗ͭ͆̆̎̀͑͑̆͋̏̏͊ͣͦ͆ͣ̈́̓͟͢ţ̵̘̫̯͓̻̗͕̘͙̯̞̪̪̲̤̬̜͕ͫ̄̌̓̎͌ͧ̔͟͢ͅa̸̧̭̲̯̳̔́͋̐͂̇ͪ̔̐́̚͢b͐̅̔ͭ͗̊̂̾̀̓ͭͭ͑ͤ̏̐̃ͩͬ҉̞̼̮̤̝̲̳͓̗̤̫̭̝̹̙͘͟͝ļ̷͈̭̖͓̜̬͔̻͔̀̎ͯ͗̐̽̏ͦ̊͗ͧ́͘ͅe̢͍̦̗̬̝̠͔̳̣̯̮̣̹͍͙̞̜ͣ̉͆̊̀̎ͦ͌̂̋̊ͨ͛́")
+}
+
+async def achieve(bot: commands.Bot, message: discord.Message, achievement):
+    guild_conf = await bot.database.execute_fetchone("SELECT achievement_messages FROM guild_config WHERE id = ?", (message.guild.id,))
+    if guild_conf and guild_conf["achievement_messages"] == 0: return
+
+    uid = message.author.id
+    # ensure the user doesn't have achievements off
+    conf = await bot.database.execute_fetchone("SELECT * FROM user_config")
+    if conf and conf["achievement_tracking_enabled"] == 0: return
+    if not conf:
+        await bot.database.execute("INSERT INTO user_config VALUES (?, NULL)", (uid,))
+        await bot.database.commit()
+    # detect if achievement already earned
+    if await bot.database.execute_fetchone("SELECT 1 FROM achievements WHERE user_id = ? AND achievement = ?", (uid, achievement)):
+        return
+    achievement_info = achievements[achievement]
+    description = f"Congratulations! You achieved the achievement __{achievement_info.name}__.\n\n{achievement_info.description}\n*{achievement_info.condition}*"
+    e = util.make_embed(description=description, title="Achievement achieved!", color=util.hashbow(achievement))
+    e.set_thumbnail(url=await util.get_asset(bot, f"achievements/{achievement}.png"))
+    await message.channel.send(embed=e)
+    await bot.database.execute("INSERT INTO achievements VALUES (?, ?, ?)", (uid, achievement, util.timestamp()))
+    await bot.database.commit()
+    logging.info("awarded achievement %s to %s", message.author.name, achievement)
+
+def setup(bot):
+    @bot.group(name="achievements", aliases=["ach", "achieve", "achievement"], brief="Achieve a wide variety of fun achievements!", help=f"""
+    Do things and get arbitrary achievements for them!
+    Note that due to reasons messages for achievements will not be shown except in opted-in servers, although achievements will be gained regardless.
+    """)
+    async def achievements(ctx): pass
+
+    @achievements.command(help="Enable/disable achievement messages on this guild.")
+    @commands.check(util.server_mod_check(bot))
+    async def set_enabled(ctx, on: bool):
+        await bot.database.execute("INSERT OR REPLACE INTO guild_config VALUES (?, ?)", (ctx.guild.id, int(on)))
+        await bot.database.commit()
+        await ctx.send(f"Achievement messages set to: {on}")
+
+    @achievements.command(help="Obtain a test achievement")
+    async def test(ctx):
+        await achieve(ctx.bot, ctx.message, "test")
+
+    @bot.listen("on_message")
+    async def message_listener(msg: discord.Message):
+        content = msg.content
+        content_len = len(msg.content)
+        if re.match("spect(re|er).{,20}(communism|☭)", content): await achieve(bot, msg, "spectre_of_communism")
+        if re.match(r"^(.+)\1+$", content) and len(content) >= 1950: await achieve(bot, msg, "spam")
+        if content_len > 30 and (len(re.findall("[\u0300-\u036f\U00040000-\U0010FFFF]", content)) / content_len) > 0.35: await achieve(bot, msg, "unicode_abuse")
\ No newline at end of file
diff --git a/src/db.py b/src/db.py
index 2950a47..7719bfd 100644
--- a/src/db.py
+++ b/src/db.py
@@ -36,6 +36,37 @@ CREATE TABLE calls (
     to_id TEXT NOT NULL REFERENCES telephone_config(id),
     start_time INTEGER NOT NULL
 );
+""",
+"""
+CREATE TABLE guild_config (
+    id INTEGER PRIMARY KEY,
+    achievement_messages INTEGER
+);
+
+CREATE TABLE user_config (
+    id INTEGER PRIMARY KEY,
+    achievement_tracking_enabled INTEGER
+);
+
+CREATE TABLE stats (
+    user_id INTEGER NOT NULL REFERENCES user_config (id),
+    stat TEXT NOT NULL COLLATE NOCASE,
+    value BLOB NOT NULL,
+    UNIQUE (user_id, stat)
+);
+
+CREATE TABLE achievements (
+    user_id INTEGER NOT NULL REFERENCES user_config (id),
+    achievement TEXT NOT NULL,
+    achieved_time INTEGER NOT NULL,
+    UNIQUE (user_id, achievement)
+);
+""",
+"""
+CREATE TABLE assets (
+    identifier TEXT PRIMARY KEY,
+    url TEXT NOT NULL
+);
 """
 ]
 
diff --git a/src/main.py b/src/main.py
index e42fc74..53e846b 100644
--- a/src/main.py
+++ b/src/main.py
@@ -11,6 +11,7 @@ import argparse
 import traceback
 import random
 import rolldice
+#import aiopubsub
 
 import tio
 import db
@@ -204,14 +205,16 @@ async def andrew_bad(ctx):
 @bot.event
 async def on_ready():
     logging.info("Connected as " + bot.user.name)
-    await bot.change_presence(status=discord.Status.online, activity=discord.Activity(type=discord.ActivityType.listening, name=f"commands beginning with {bot.command_prefix}"))
+    await bot.change_presence(status=discord.Status.online, 
+        activity=discord.CustomActivity(name=f"{bot.command_prefix}help"))
 
 async def run_bot():
     bot.database = await db.init(config["database"])
     for ext in (
         "reminders",
         "debug",
-        "telephone"
+        "telephone",
+        "achievement"
     ):
         bot.load_extension(ext)
     await bot.start(config["token"])
diff --git a/src/util.py b/src/util.py
index d904725..d9532a3 100644
--- a/src/util.py
+++ b/src/util.py
@@ -8,6 +8,8 @@ from dateutil.relativedelta import relativedelta
 import json
 import discord
 import toml
+import os.path
+from discord.ext import commands
 
 config = toml.load(open("config.toml", "r"))
 
@@ -229,4 +231,18 @@ def json_encode(x): return json.dumps(x, separators=(',', ':'))
 def server_mod_check(bot):
     async def check(ctx):
         return ctx.author.permissions_in(ctx.channel).manage_channels or (await bot.is_owner(ctx.author))
-    return check
\ No newline at end of file
+    return check
+
+async def get_asset(bot: commands.Bot, identifier):
+    safe_ident = re.sub("[^A-Za-z0-9_.-]", "_", identifier)
+    x = await bot.database.execute_fetchone("SELECT * FROM assets WHERE identifier = ?", (safe_ident,))
+    if x:
+        return x["url"]
+    file = discord.File(os.path.join("./assets", identifier), filename=safe_ident)
+    message = await (bot.get_channel(config["image_upload_channel"])).send(identifier, file=file)
+    url = message.attachments[0].proxy_url
+    await bot.database.execute("INSERT INTO assets VALUES (?, ?)", (safe_ident, url))
+    return url
+
+def hashbow(thing):
+    return hash(thing) % 0x1000000
\ No newline at end of file